The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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