I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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