She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
