Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
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I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
FUCK WHALES
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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