I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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