you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
