Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
