Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
