WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
time to smoke my breakfast
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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