I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
