Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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