I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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