Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
