i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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