U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
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She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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