i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
