No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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