he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
