I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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