I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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