Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
