Only a mothe r could love this liver
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
