the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
