I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
