It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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