my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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