tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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