a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
