Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
