Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
