is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
