if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just gift wrapped bread.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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