and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
