There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
50% drunk capacity currently
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
