You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
