I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
