I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
