Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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