the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
