I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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