Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
