I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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