fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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