I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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