Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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