Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
