Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
