He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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