i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
