You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
