oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
