found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
