just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
