once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
