i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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