I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
birth control should be required to get into college
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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