My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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