i think my tv is drunk
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
