alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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