Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
