We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
