My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
