We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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