11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
